Jokes and funny stuff...

[JENNYJET]

Thank you, trying my best as missing this forum.

 

[rollo]

What's the difference between paraffin and petrol?

There's two ff's in paraffin but there's no e'ffin petrol.

Curtesy of todays Sunday Times.

 

[Kevin Farnell]

Stuck in a pub for three nights!

Storm Arwen: Customers set to spend third night at Britain's highest pub

A karaoke evening is planned as dozens of people are still unable to leave the Tan Hill Inn.

www.bbc.co.uk

As long as there's enough beer and plenty of bar snacks, I can't see it being much of a hardship.

Kevin

 

[JENNYJET]

A karaoke evening would finish me off. I am just going out I may be a while!

 

[Kevin Farnell]

How bad is your neighbourhood?

A friend posted this on another forum -

Kevin

 

[jfy1999]

Bob Nelson - Farmer/Duck routine

 

[Scottie Dog]

I could not resist reposting this gem

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.


Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.........

I do apologise for posting two in a row:

THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “£90,000.” ;
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re
asking £980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They’ll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you
really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is.....

 

[Finger66]

Just reading the LBA Spotting and Movements thread reminded me of a joke I found so unbelievably corny and funny so here goes:

A Chinese Restaurant has just been hit with a 1k electricity bill. So they were asked if they were able to turn off the lights?
They said "no" but we do "dim sum"

 

[jfy1999]

This has been circulating on many Facebook pages over the years so I can’t tell if it’s genuine but it would be hilarious if so.

It’s attributed to UPS Airlines, and it’s about records of maintenance complaints from pilots (P), with the solutions from the mechanics (S) written below. I suspect it’s bogus as IFF is a military gadget…

Pilots complaint: Left nose gear tyre almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left nose gear tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs are on order.

P: In altitude-hold mode, autopilot produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of fuel leak in right wing tank.
S: Evidence removed.

P: Radio volume unbelievably loud.
S: Radio volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Number 2 engine missing.
S: Engine found on wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft reprogrammed to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar display hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar display with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
hammering something.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

P: Suspected crack in cockpit window.
S: Suspect you're right.