Jokes and funny stuff...

[Aviador]

I know we have one or two comedians in the forum so this thread is for them. Feel free to join in.

I was at the local supermarket the other day and one of the staff (must've been new) asked a colleague where he could find the medicine isle.... so he could put the bleach out!

 

[rollo]

Nothing like a challenge.

Since the the crisis and being locked down I have managed to do some of the jobs around the house that apparently needed doing according to the wife but unfortunately ran out of materials but luckily I settled into lazing around and walking the dog not to mention consuming the odd beer or three.

Now wifey has informed me B&Q have reopened - the ********.

 

[Aviador]

Nothing like a challenge.

Since the the crisis and being locked down I have managed to do some of the jobs around the house that apparently needed doing according to the wife but unfortunately ran out of materials but luckily I settled into lazing around and walking the dog not to mention consuming the odd beer or three.

Now wifey has informed me B&Q have reopened - the ********.

You could take the wifey and insist that "social distancing" must be carried out throughout the store at all times.

 

[TheLocalYokel]

Amusing cartoon in one of the daily papers today.

A couple of house hunters are seated at an estate agent's desk and he is showing them details of a property and says, "If you want peace and quiet this is perfect - it's next to a huge pub and opposite an airport."

 

[tfishell]

Amusing cartoon in one of the daily papers today.

A couple of house hunters are seated at an estate agent's desk and he is showing them details of a property and says, "If you want peace and quiet this is perfect - it's next to a huge pub and opposite an airport."

this got me rolling

 

[jfy1999]

I tried to come up with a good joke about social distancing...




but this was as close as I could get.




(I can't take the credit for that one)

 

[Kevin Farnell]

I've just read this on another forum (flight simulation - not sure if I'm allowed to name it?)

Anyway, credit to Graham (an elderly gentleman with a wit as sharp as a razor blade) for the following -

'I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery.

Three girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me.

I told them, "I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."

Never seen anyone run so fast.'

Had me in stitches!

Kevin

 

[JENNYJET]

Certainly lifts the gloom, thank you for sharing Kevin.

 

[Kevin Farnell]

BBC to expand educational shows in response to covid lockdown.

https://twitter.com/x/status/1346913557515038723

Kevin

 

[jfy1999]

View attachment 21297

 

[JENNYJET]

Any closer and a prophylactic will be necessary!

 

[superking]

Looks like the bird got it worked out. Tells me the bird been doing a lot of watching how the circles work lol.

 

[Kevin Farnell]

A friend posted this over on a flight simulator forum (it has nothing to do with flight simulation). Hopefully, it makes others laugh as much as it did me -

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals", he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot Bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice from heaven asked, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well", said the Voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."

Kevin

 

[JENNYJET]

An excellent take on Religion and very true. My escape from the tyranny of the Vatican did wonderous things for my mental wellbeing but don't tell 'em, they will only claim a miracle and another saint created!

 

[Kevin Farnell]

I can't believe some people...

Apparently, a group of up to 20 cars trailed a tanker lorry hoping to get petrol. Except, that it was transporting mortar to a building site! One driver even had the cheek to say "You could have stopped and told us you weren't a petrol tanker"

Fuel supplies: Mortar tanker tailed by drivers looking for petrol

Driver Johnny Anderson says about 20 vehicles followed him to a building site in Northamptonshire.

www.bbc.co.uk

Kevin

 

[JENNYJET]

Amazing how desperate some people get, building materials are equally scarce so those motorists have missed out perhaps?

 

[Poshgirl]

and some people just keep on giving, lol!!

Could we apply the saying "you know what thought did, followed a muck cart thinking it was a wedding"

 

[Poshgirl]

Couldn't resist these with an aviation theme (plenty more if you want them):

ATC privatization:

Tower, this is Delta 288, requesting clearance to land runway 4L

Thank you for calling Air Traffic Control, your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line and we will get to you as soon as we can.

If you are calling about a landing clearance, please press 1. If you are short on fuel and require immediate assistance, please press 2. For all other enquiries, please stay on the line.

And -

Scene 1: it's night over Las Vegas, information Hotel is current and Mooney 33W is unfamiliar with procedure and talking to approach control...

Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.

33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.

Approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:

Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.

United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.

 

[JENNYJET]

I recall a comment by a BHX Controller struggling with saying Banderante as aircraft type, calling it Randy Banty and a Britannia captain losing it when waiting to line up.

 

[Poshgirl]

My pilot friend used to fly those, at start of career. Will mention it to him.

BHX controller wasn't David Gunson by any chance? Sounds like a tale he would tell. His after-dinner address to a group of bankers is very funny. It's on YouTube (What Goes Up, Doesn't Necessarily Come Down).

Glad you're back with us Jenny